Thursday, August 07, 2003
The Corrections
My wife loves me as I am. She just wishes I were different.
I've noticed many times over our years together that frequently she feels the need to criticize something I've said or done, or the way in which I've said or done it. Part of me, particularly since I finally got on an effective medical regimen for treating depression, just shrugs and passes it off to her relationship with her mother, who often does much the same thing to her. But part of me says, no, this is not how a normal, loving relationship is supposed to manifest itself. This is, in fact, emotional spousal abuse.
For better or worse, most of the time I just ignore it. The alternative is to have a fight, and even when I'm right on the issue, I simply cannot win one of these fights. If I'm winning on the merits, she changes the subject, and it just gets ugly.
The other morning, a day during which she happened to be PMSing, I started, just for grins, to count how many times she would correct me. I got up to 23 before I stopped counting ... which was when she left for work.
Some of this was, I admit, picayune stuff. But some of it was on the order of, "Why the fuck would you even ask such a thing?," even when I had a legitimate (to me, at least) reason for asking.
Worse, she does this in front of the kids. So, with all the other things any responsible parent has to worry about, I now worry about what kind of relationship we're modeling for them. Will our daughter grow up to believe that she can/should bully the men in her life? Will my son grow up to believe that he should allow himself to be bullied by the women in his life? And I don't say anything to her about it, because then we'd be fighting in front of the children, which every parenting book I've ever read says is a bad idea.
I've not asked much of my wife in our marriage, but one thing for which I have explicitly and repeatedly asked is that she not criticize me in front of the kids. She has agreed not to do this. She has even, when confronted about having done so, apologized. But she still does it, and I suspect she always will.
What I've tried to tell her, and what she adamantly refuses to believe, is that sometimes the criticisms really do hurt. Some particularly pointless or vicious criticism even leaves scars.
And although I don't think I'll ever cheat on her or run off with another woman, I don't think it's entirely impossible that I could wake up one morning years from now, perhaps not long after our son leaves for college, and realize that I no longer love her ... and haven't for years.
I've noticed many times over our years together that frequently she feels the need to criticize something I've said or done, or the way in which I've said or done it. Part of me, particularly since I finally got on an effective medical regimen for treating depression, just shrugs and passes it off to her relationship with her mother, who often does much the same thing to her. But part of me says, no, this is not how a normal, loving relationship is supposed to manifest itself. This is, in fact, emotional spousal abuse.
For better or worse, most of the time I just ignore it. The alternative is to have a fight, and even when I'm right on the issue, I simply cannot win one of these fights. If I'm winning on the merits, she changes the subject, and it just gets ugly.
The other morning, a day during which she happened to be PMSing, I started, just for grins, to count how many times she would correct me. I got up to 23 before I stopped counting ... which was when she left for work.
Some of this was, I admit, picayune stuff. But some of it was on the order of, "Why the fuck would you even ask such a thing?," even when I had a legitimate (to me, at least) reason for asking.
Worse, she does this in front of the kids. So, with all the other things any responsible parent has to worry about, I now worry about what kind of relationship we're modeling for them. Will our daughter grow up to believe that she can/should bully the men in her life? Will my son grow up to believe that he should allow himself to be bullied by the women in his life? And I don't say anything to her about it, because then we'd be fighting in front of the children, which every parenting book I've ever read says is a bad idea.
I've not asked much of my wife in our marriage, but one thing for which I have explicitly and repeatedly asked is that she not criticize me in front of the kids. She has agreed not to do this. She has even, when confronted about having done so, apologized. But she still does it, and I suspect she always will.
What I've tried to tell her, and what she adamantly refuses to believe, is that sometimes the criticisms really do hurt. Some particularly pointless or vicious criticism even leaves scars.
And although I don't think I'll ever cheat on her or run off with another woman, I don't think it's entirely impossible that I could wake up one morning years from now, perhaps not long after our son leaves for college, and realize that I no longer love her ... and haven't for years.
Friday, August 01, 2003
Favorites
Krissa asks, "What are some of your favorite foods? Exes? Dreams?"
Foods
Fresh, blackened salmon, and free-range, salmon, not that farm-raised crap.
Chocolate ice cream
A fresh, crisp Granny Smith apple as big as a softball
Black coffee
Cabernet
Exes
K.: My first, and still quite possibly the most purely beautiful woman I've ever been with
E.: The one I'll be carrying scars from for the rest of my life. Magnificent body, capable of great charm and affection, but self-esteem problems no one could solve. Not that I was any saint, or even sane, during this relationship myself.
H.: Second kiss, first relationship and one of the few I still think of regularly.
A.: So totally eye candy and nothing more that I was embarrassed even to have my mother meet her. But not just the most phenomenal body I've ever been with, the most phenomenal body I've ever seen.
L.: It didn't last long, and I doubt it would have even if I'd tried, but: Oh. My. God. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dreams
Get a novel published to rave reviews and respectable sales.
Live, at least a good chunk of the year, in Tuscany.
For my kids to live normal, or longer-than-normal, lifespans, outrageously happy, healthy and generous all the while.
A job much more closely aligned with my abilities, talents and interests.
A functional Addams Family pinball machine. I get one of these, I promise not to have a midlife crisis.
Foods
Exes
Dreams
